Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

Who wants to be my Valentine?

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go