Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

Real bees work best

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.