To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
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[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.