Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is