Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back