Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Meanwhile in Portland…

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!