(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
hi why am I like this
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”