(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
You Might Also Like
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.