Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!