To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Siri: Retweet me.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.