Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

perfect

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!