Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Hank is one in a melon.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.