TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love themđ
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[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
(True)
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasnât clear
all i did was tell my dad iâm anaemic đđ
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well Iâm here & theyâre not so
Brain: so weâre walking cos I put them in there & if theyâre not there then theyâre lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
A lady in Walmart told her son âPUT THAT SHIT BACKâ so loud I almost put my shit back
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Iâve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If your dog doesnât come back when you call them just shout âOh shit!â and look at the floor like youâve dropped something
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
âCheck it out, I bought a shoot gunâ
âYou mean a shotgunâ
âNo not yetâ
Paid my mortgage so donât ask me to come out. Iâm getting my moneys worth.