“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
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{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
my love language is being sent money
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you