“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.