“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
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Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
How high do the levels go?
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.