“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
You Might Also Like
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
why no one uses midhusbands
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.