To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”