To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The options really are this bad
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution