To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
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Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
#IWishIHadNever noticed
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.