To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
sir, my pâté if you please
#merica
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate