To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Good morning y’all ☀️
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Never forget.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
he’ll never suspect a thing
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
our love story in four pictures
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
