To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol