Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.