Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

#oldknees

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.