Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

My five year plan is a meteorite

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”