@murrman5

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

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@graceupongracie

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

@canadasandra

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

@Kathleen_McGee

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

@TheNaique

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

@negaversace

Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”

@DianaH1314

Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week

1. No such thing
2. I hate you

@Megatronic13

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

@just1fool

Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.

@_4kidscrazy

Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid.
Now every.spider.must.die.

@petemandik

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.