@murrman5

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

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@TaraToGo

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

@sixfootcandy

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

@daemonic3

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@megstalter

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

@Alex_Houseof308

[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea

@GrumpyyCat

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

@djdarrellripley

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…