[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.