Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Making out with the pharmacist has its percocets…
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…