A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
You Might Also Like
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine