Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

The only equipped I am is ill.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

I can’t stop laughing at this

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.