Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

Good morning, Twitter x

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

no such thing as a dumb question

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”