To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!