To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
What.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Made something I’m not proud of
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.