a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!