My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.