“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.