“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too