“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
#parenting
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Respect
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?