To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat