Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.