to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
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If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Cndnsd Mlk
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.