to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
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Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide