to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My life coach traded me.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My relationship with tea has always been strained.