Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

Spa day..😅

Found my door mat

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Namaste

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”