To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
technique
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
#titanic
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.