Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?