Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

I don’t get marriage

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going