Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.