To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”