To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
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WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.