Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

My funeral

My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it