To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
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My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
☠️ ☠️
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.