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100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Money is the root of all wealth