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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Sunday
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman