To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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guys I’m going home
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Sending in my taxes
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.