To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
we’re dead?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.