To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

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Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.


Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.


[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no


If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.


[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.


Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.


Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.


Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.


Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.