To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Legend 🤣🤣
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep