To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?