Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

ㅤ

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??