[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
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Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?