Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

Feels like the fourth month in January

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.