To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
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So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
No, he would not have.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Nice try, NASA
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!