Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”