Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

Well well well…

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.