[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
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[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
