Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

dogs can find happiness so easily

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.