To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
<- sleeps well with others
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law