to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.