Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”